Now that my wife has an iPhone, I’ve started noticing iPhone apps a little more. (You read about it in “My New iPhone”.) Some of the iPhone apps I’ve seen are just awesome. But others seriously question man’s intelligence.
This is not to say I’ve seen them all… someone said there are a thousand new apps a day. It would be humanly impossible to try them all. Besides, it would be just plain stupid. Yet in overwhelming shock, one might be lead to believe that the iPhone development field has been taken over by 8th grade adolescent boys.
So, here are just a few novelty and game apps you can download for wasting time, insulting other people and dulling your brain into a dumb stupor. Most will bring a chuckle — some are so stupid or rude, they’re not funny.
Do you believe in Magic
I scrolled a list of about 200 tacky Magic Tricks worth mentioning. But I won’t. I guess to entertain the kids, or another round of pick-up openers. Some are actually pretty good — but most will guarantee your dinner guests will never come back! Like iFork. This one lets you levitate a fork using only hand gestures. Now, you can be Uri Geller. (video) I actually thought iCoin was kind of cute. The part of the fingers reaching in — duh! (Video)
Tickle those ivories
At first this one seemed like it would be very cool. WOW… and maybe it is if you don’t actually play the piano. This virtual piano on your iPhone or iPod Touch provides only few keys at a time. Not enough for chopsticks. The Mac Plus HyperCard keyboard, circa 1987, was much, much better!
Thumb Print Protected
This stupid trick, Thumb Scan, was developed for a single purpose: fool people into thinking your iPhone activates with your thumb print! Don’t ask. You’ll have to test it for yourself.
Pull my finger
What is it about farts that many people find funny? Apple didn’t think it was funny. They made a huge “stink” (ahem) over it. Straight out of 8th grade gym class, “Pull My Finger” is perfect for use in your office building elevator. Yesterday, I saw a Pull Santa’s Finger!*
If that’s not enough proof that iPhone is a society-changing device — I understand that now you can join a special Farting Social Network with your iPhone. How decorous. Join millions of people around the world, gathering to benchmark their farts. Another sleep-over brainchild from the folks who brought you iFart*
Beer Boys
Running a close second for immaturity are the beer apps. And there must be ten thousand of them. iBeer lets you pretend to drink Beer on your iPhone. (Now with 5 beers) There’s iMilk which acts the same as iBeer but uses milk, for those under 18. There’s another one that is nothing but a bottle opener. With BEER OPENER you handle the iPhone correctly to simulate popping a top off a long-neck. Even their YouTube lives up to this apps poor taste*
Urp. There’s an (urp) app for that. Urp.
Speaking of beer. What follows? Burps, of course! In Burp Speak you load words and sentences, then click play and your sentence is played back in REAL burps. This is just what you’ve been looking for, right? The creator of the game boasts that he, and his colleagues burped each of the words in the app. I think they had too much iBeer.*
Scoring made easy
Who other than Pepsi would come up with a stupid iPhone app that profiteers on the one thing young men think about every waking hour of the day? Picking up women. This app backfired and failed miserably when the women’s movement shut them down! “Amp Before You Score” dialed in assorted pick-up lines based on female profiling clues. Pepsi exec. even apologized for being ‘in poor taste’. But actually they didn’t recall it! … Go figure.* Pic
Hot Nurses
Then there are the sex apps. Yes, where ever there are adolescent boys, there will be sex and potty jokes. At the low point of this genre you’ll find “Hot Nurses”* — unemployed Asian college girls dress up like nurses — how tasteless is that? Hey, what do you expect for a buck? There are hundreds of other “Hot” titles from meter maids to construction workers. Even a few for the ladies. And there are thousands more coming on board … from “Busty Pinups” to “Asian Boobs.” For the locker room perverts, there’s even the “Latina Bikini Fart” app, that pairs Latino babes in bikinis with farts*. Isn’t technology wonderful?
Here comes Dick Chaney
The iPhone lets you shoot off your mouth — but now lets you shoot guns! Just what we need! Lock and load up your favorite virtual iPhone handgun and you can hold up the convenience store app! Shoot just about any gun you like — ghetto thug Uzis vs the mom-and-pop 12-guage. There’s even a sweet little cammo, pump-action number that reloads when you shake it! This one is for the butt-crack, gun-rack crowd — add the beer, burps and farts apps to round out the suite! (Hey, wait a minute! Did those guys buy iPhones???)
Good Fortune
Whew. After all that, I’m glad someone had a civil thought. There’s something magic about the lowly fortune cookie — I know people who go ballistic if they don’t get a fortune cookie with their Chinese carry-out. Now you can use your iPhone. Crumble a cookie by rotating your iPhone, and there’s your fortune* How sweet.
One Liners
Boo — iHorror … Scary? Not*
How long can you hold? – Can you believe they’re charging for this app? This game’s single goal is to see how long you can hold an on-screen button. That’s it. While you hold, it records your times. Hmmmmm.
Dude is an application that does one thing, and one thing only. It speaks the word “dude” whenever you push the big red button. Dude!*
The Wishing Well Go to the wishing well, tap on the coin and then watch it slowly fly into the wishing well and make a splashing noise. That’s it*
Golf Smak! Select the desired club. Then, comment on the shot. Heckle your golf buddies!*
Crazy Eye Hold it up to one eye and see the funny cartoon eye*
Trekkies not actually an app, but here you mod your iPhone case to look like a Star Trek communicator *… Beam me up!
Can you see me now? One of the first stupid iPhone apps was Flashlight. Someone thought the battery lasted way too long, so they thought up this gimmick to fry the iPhone or iPod touch battery just to light up things that are 2-inches away.* Brilliant!
There’s really no need to go on. You get the picture. In fact, now that I’m finished this piece — I’m wondering why I even wasted my time. Maybe there should be a ‘stupid iPhone app’ so editors can get distracted from the important stuff and write about ‘stupid iPhone apps’. But now that I think about it — I’m sure there’s already an app for that.
Thanks for reading…
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